did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
