Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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