Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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