You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
