I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
