My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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