News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
