I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
