You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
