morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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