so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
they're like a gay fantastic four
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
