just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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