They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
