i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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