i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
