eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
