I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
