i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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