I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
