I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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