Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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