thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
