Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
