I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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