Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
