I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
