I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
