3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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