If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I love you. Go after that dick
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
