Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Houston, we have a blender
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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