If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
