You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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