I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
worst night to have a conscience
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
