Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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