If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
