I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
