Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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