I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
