I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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