Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
