I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
