What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I have aggressive nipples.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
