fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
