god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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