what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
