yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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