i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
