the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
