Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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