Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
