your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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