organizing the empties. That sober.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
