I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
