The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
