Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
