you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
