If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
