it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
