Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
