so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
