I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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